13.5.24 - new name, old name: Back in 2017, I changed my name. I've lived with that same name now for 7 years, and while I've been thinking of changing it again, I came to an interesting realization. At some point, although I don't remember when, my birthname was no longer my own. As the time passed, and I got used to my new name, I didn't hear my old name much at all. My family adjusted pretty quicky, and I didn't keep any of my childhood friends, so I didn't have to worry about them slipping up either. I kept my username on my PC as my birthname up until this year, but now nothing remains of it.
Well, I say nothing remains, but in reality some stuff obviously still does. I've been sorting through my old belongings from childhood lately, and that's full of my old name.

I think at some point I stopped being the same person that I was back then, and over time I lost the last remaining fragments of my younger self. I see the name of my child self and almost feel like mourning her, like a lost sibling. I see her face in pictures and recognize it as my own, while also realizing that I can't see it as "me" anymore. It's a strange feeling...

I've been "Naomi" for a while now, a lot longer than I'm used to. Part of being this part of myself comes with reclaiming a lot of my younger self, a bit contradictory to the stuff I was just talking about...
"Naomi" as an alter has existed for a very long time, I think appearing around middle school, or earlier. I had a long period where I rarely came out, and it shows in how I'm a bit stunted. I feel like I'm both a 12 year old girl and a 23 year old woman at the same time... and it's often when I'm riding in my dad's car, or looking out at the bright blue sky, that I feel like I'm back in middle school, back when life was easier.

Having these nostalgic moments again feels like I'm finally back to life after being dead my entire teens, and that's SO weird of a feeling!! It's like I've finally snapped out of my haze, and I'm ready to try and live again. It feels like a great relief, but also like I'm so incredibly small and unprepared.
I think that's partially why I'm getting back to old hobbies I haven't enjoyed in nearly a decade now, like hiking! I feel connected to my inner child again and that fills me with so much... everything?? I feel both sad and happy, excited and scared... It's a lot all at once, but it gives me the strength to do so many things.

I think living with P-DID and being on the long journey of healing, has a lot of these moments. It's part of finally developing a cohesive sense of self, connecting with my past in a way I haven't been able to before. I still have my moments where I'm "Shion", and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully fuse with that part of myself, like ever? we're just too different. I do think I'm in the process of fusing with "Sprout", however.
It's a weird feeling, like I'm both a part of myself that's been locked away since I was a child, and like I'm something brand new. I'm happy and excited for it, and that probably comes from "Naomi" and "Sprout" being very close to begin with, I think. I (Naomi) am obviously more feminine-aligned, but otherwise it's very hard to tell us apart, other than minor differences. I feel the most like a proper person when we're blurred together, and the possibility to make that the default for me is an amazing thought!!!!

30.4.24 - giftedness: I was considered "gifted" as a kid, but i never really understood why. i did horribly academically, and ended up repeating two years DESPITE being in special ed throughout highschool, and other "gifted" kids frequently referred to me as being "retarded", probably because i was autistic.
I don't relate to a lot of other "gifted" kids, because my intelligence really only showed when i participated in classes, never on paper. I think the only reason i even passed middle school was because teachers knew i technically understood what was going on, even if they didnt have proof of it...

I don't like the "burnt out gifted kid" community. while i know a lot of them dont understand the issues behind it, their ignorance just contributes to the greater problem. "gifted" kids have always been the enemies of special ed kids. i know it because i was the only special ed kid also in advanced classes, and the extremely cruel treatment i received was VERY telling. gifted kids never fucking cared about people ACTUALLY struggling in school, and it was only a problem when THEY started getting burnt out. I was burnt out from DAY ONE, baby! i never had the chance to reap the rewards in the first place!

i found out i was "gifted" when i was screened for autism and ADHD after middle school. my parents knew i was struggling in school, and i know now that my mom always knew i was probably autistic. While the screening didn't result in any conclusive results (probably because they hate diagnosing girls with anything other than fucking BPD), it did show that i had an abnormally high IQ, even for my age, i think the estimate was between 140 and 150, not that it means literally anything LMAO... IQ is a eugenicist idea, don't forget that!!
anyway, i was considered highly gifted because of that, and it did made absolutely no difference at all. i still failed most of my subjects, and did awfully in school. i just had this nonsensical label to wave around like a pity prize.

I guess i kinda hated the other gifted kids because of it, because they were frequently of just... average intelligence, but just had a knack for the education system. They thrived in school, and that was enough to warrant calling them special. i grew to hate them for doing what i was supposed to be doing with even less of a struggle.

being the only "gifted" kid in special ed, i actually had a great time getting to know the other special ed kids. i genuinely think most of them were way wiser than the "gifted" kids i was forced to be around during those advanced classes. the other kids in special ed were emotionally intelligent, and had a genuinely interesting outlook on life, because they struggled just as much as me to fit in, even if that was for a lot of different reasons. we bonded over hating school, and being outcasts. i wish i spent more time with them, to be honest... i was just... way too burnt out to care about keeping up social relationships...

29.4.24 - friendship struggles: Sometimes I have this urge to just cut everybody off and start new. Usually it's been well timed with a change of schools or location, but other times it just comes out of nowhere.

In late janurary i had a minor argument with a friend i've struggled with for a while. We used to hang out pretty much every day over voice call, and have known eachother for 10 years now. Basically, we go deep.
I've had a lot of issues with her for a while, because she's insanely stubborn and can genuinely be downright stupid. She uses "reclaimed" slurs as... just slurs again...?, makes fun of my interests, and is genuinely just a bad person a lot of the time, but then criticizes me for doing literally anything morally grey. i often complain about my dislike for teenagers online invading adult spaces and being completely unavoidable, and she asks me if i hate kids or something...? like are you dumb? did your mom drop you as a baby?

So we had a minor argument where i basically just told her i was tired of her making fun of my interests because i'm really sensitive about that, and she made it all about herself, saying "im sorry for being stupid and awful" or something. very like... emotionally abusive mother type thing. And i just had enough of her and logged out of discord and all of my social media that she has access to. The hard part is that by doing that i also ditched everybody else that i know, and now im pretty sure they think i killed myself. Some of them try to contact me sometimes. One guy has my phone number cuz we know eachother irl, and my best friend also has it for emergencies. I told the guy that i really need a break for a few months, and he understood for a while but then tried to contact me again anyway, so i blocked his number.
A while ago i got a phone call from a number i didn't recognize in the middle of the night, and it was from where my best friend lives. i didn't answer cuz i was trying to sleep, but the number never called again.

I wish i could just forget it all, and properly start over, but there's so much stuff i left behind in the process, and i don't want to do that. there's also a few friends i still like a lot, and i regret not letting them know what i was going through. now i'm too scared to open my old discord account, but i've made a resolution to get back to it once i've started working.

i think the worst part is that i've noticed a change in my dissociative disorder. i dont think i've been my old self since the day i left. i've been nao for longer than i can ever remember, and my boy self whenever i'm not. i used to be my old self as often as i'm now nao, and that's scary to go through. i look at the name of my old self and don't recognize it as my own anymore, only getting this uneasy feeling of missing who i used to be.
I don't hate who i am now, i love myself through and through!! but i still worry that i'm taking up a space that i dont actually belong in. i'm supposed to be on the sidelines, not the one in control!!!!!

Luckily i've always had two "hosts" i.e. main self states. it used to be sprout and shion, but now it's instead ME and shion. Shion is able to keep stuff somewhat unnnoticable IRL, which i'm very grateful for. i feel bad trying to reconnect with my friends when i'm not the person they actually know me as, though... it's part of the reason why it's taking me so long to man (woman?) up and talk to them. i'm still the same person, but like... it feels like im trying to steal the life of an identical twin, y'know?

i usually don't like talking to other people with CDDs online, but if anybody knows something that can actually help, feel free to send me a message on tumblr (@nyaorin) or discord (@kirakira_tsubasa). i'm doing my own searching but it's hard to find anything that isn't written by someone self-diagnosed or with debatable symptoms...

23.4.24 - movie review time: so i just finished late night with the devil, a horror movie i just stumbled upon while looking for something to watch!!

it was like.. SO good honestly? i went into it completely blind for once which is always scary with horror movies ngl, but it was a pleasant surprise!!
I loved the way it all plays out in one studio, and it's all shown through the actual TV cameras. it's a great way to keep the budget down by only having one (mostly) location, but i also just really love the cozy feeling you get from it? idk i honestly prefer movies filmed like this cuz it just feels way more real to me.
in general this movie felt SUPER real honestly, the acting was AMAZING, especially the emotional scenes.... i really loved the scene with the mom and the daughter in the audience, that was genuinely such good acting i honestly forgot it was a movie and not just a documentary about an airing gone wrong.

the CGI was... kinda meh honestly? i think they could've leaned even heavier on practical FX, even if a lot of it already was. the big scene with all the cool glitch effects and stuff was kinda ruined by the sub-par CGI, and i really think that ruined the scene for me, sadly... BUT again, i AM a lover of implied horror as opposed to actually being shown everything, so it makes sense that i didn't enjoy when it got too obvious with it!
all of that was redeemed by the really REALLY good final scenes. like. the psychological part of it really dug deep, and as someone who experiences real psychological symptoms that mirror the stuff shown, it was insanely terrifying to see... but like. in a good way!!! i'm def gonna recommend it to anybody who asks for horror movie recs tbh.
oh, it also pays homage to that one skeptic who had a huge reward for anyone who could prove psychic powers? i loved that. i also love that they kinda threw shade on the fact that he was incredibly insensitive, cuz thats like. the one thing that ticked me off reading about him, even as someone who hates "psychics."

OH OH! i also love how it didn't do anything that felt too exploitative? the satanic panic theme was well handled imo, and didn't play off of any existing religions other than the vague made up satanic cult stuff that was huge in the 70s, that isn't actually based on anything at all in reality. even then, the movie didn't even take anything much from that either, so it's totes safe!
i also like the little note in the credits acknowledging that the movie was recorded on indigenous land, and they properly named the people who own the land, too, which is honestly extremely uncommon, unfortunately. it's the bare minimum, but it's nice to see.

anyway please watch it, it's totally worth your time!! even if it's not a groundbreaking earth-shattering movie, i still loved it, and i'll definitely rewatch it soon!!!

22.4.24 - psychosis: I had this psychotic episode once back in college. i was severely sleep deprived and in an extremely bad mental state from having my absolutely awful dorm neighbors keeping me on edge 24/7. i remember it was a cold night, some time in the middle of winter. there was no snow, but it was cold enough that i could feel the chill stinging on my skin. i was walking to the store, i think, just to get out of the dorms for a while. i had this one song playing on repeat, Red Sex (Re-Strung) by Vessel, and it made me feel immortal.

when i'm going through derealization in general, i get really bad at dealing with my violent impulses. that's why i went outside in the first place, cuz i knew that if i stayed inside there would be a genuine risk of me attacking one of my annoying neighbors with how obsessively i was thinking about it and planning it out in my mind. i didnt realize at the time just how bad i was actually doing, cuz i just thought i was derealized and not fully psychotic. its kinda weird isnt it?? i'm aware it was psychosis in hindsight, but at the time i really felt way more in control than i really was.

during that walk outside i honestly have no idea what i was doing. i think i mostly just spent the time singing along to the music or maybe talking to myself??, and rolling around on the ground, from what i can remember.... i remember thinking i was a god, thinking i was watching a psychological thriller watching the killer hunt for their next victim, thinking i was 13 again... i daydreamed myself killing my neighbors so much that i can't even distinguish the daydreams from normal memories, i just know it didn't happen because they were still alive and well afterwards.

It took me a long time to be comfortable listening to that song after my episode, and i don't think i listened to it until almost a YEAR later!!! i don't feel anything about it right now, and i thought i wasnt all that bothered, but i must've been deeply scarred by that episode for it to take that long until i was comfortable listening to the song again...

psychosis is weird!!

19.4.24 - empathy: I saw a post on tumblr earlier that was talking about how both low and high empathy autistics exist (groundbreaking i know /s), and it got me thinking about my own relationship with empathy, sympathy, and all the other things i feel (or don't) towards other people.

I generally have low empathy, although in reality it varies a lot. I feel higher empathy towards animals and objects, but pretty much nothing towards people, especially men. This has gotten me in trouble before, since it makes me extremely fickle in social situations. I have a tendency to go from happily chatting with someone, to deciding I actually hate them and immediately blocking them, or leaving. The basic jist is that as long as the annoyance to interest ratio is heavily leaning towards the latter, I'll stick around. Once the annoyance gets higher, though, I tend to ditch them.
"Annoyance" in this could mean pretty much any negative emotion, but it all results in me being annoyed by them. The most frequent one I get is someone just being cringeworthy in a bad way, which for example includes highly political people, people who are way too obsessed with stuff I'm not interested in, and people who in general just like stuff I dislike. Another notable negative emotion is people who constantly talk about depressing stuff, like how miserable they are, or constantly post about how horrible the world is and people begging for money.

My sympathy levels are... alright I think? I understand people's emotions, I just don't feel anything about them. I tend to be highly perceptive to a fault, which probably stems from me having social anxiety and also desperately trying to mask my autism. I only really use my sympathy to protect myself, basically. I tend to pretend that I care more than I do most of the time, and having sympathy makes people assume I'm a total angel who always pays attention to how other people feel... I don't mind it, I think it's really important to at least PRETEND to care about people, since being an asshole for no reason is sooo lame.

Compassion is the one that confuses people the most about me. I have extremely high compassion, and I always want to help people if my social anxiety allows me to. I don't do it out of a place of empathy though like most people assume compassion is, and I don't do it out of altruism either since I couldn't actually care less about other people's suffering. I just enjoy being helpful, probably because I always feel like I'm not doing enough to deserve the things i recieve or how i'm treated. I like being helpful because that makes me feel like exploiting other people is okay, to put it very bluntly. It's not that I TRY to exploit people, it's just how my brain categorizes me recieving basic human decency...

What this amounts to is that although I don't actually care about people, I still like them a lot. I love my friends, and I love my family, no question about it. I just wouldn't miss them if they disappeared, and I don't feel bad about dropping people I've been friends with for over a decade over a stupid argument. I still feel bad for hurting people/things that don't deserve it, even if that means I will hurt someone extremely disproportionately when I decide they've wronged me. Basically I view people as normal people view animals.
I like having certain people around me, especially if we have good chemistry, but if someone I don't care about does something I deem "wrong", I will do whatever I want towards them.

People I love are like pets to me, and people I dislike are like gross little bugs. I couldn't hurt a fly, but I could hurt a man.

12.4.24 - my transness: so I've talked about my issues with gender briefly before, but I wanna bring it up again cuz i've been thinking a lot about it recently. I've identified as pretty much everything, going from being a girl as a kid, then genderfluid, then a demiboy, then a boy, then back to being a demiboy, then non-binary, and then a demigirl... and on and on and on. i've tried out a whole bunch of stuff and while i still don't really know what i am, i'm sometimes a girly girl, and other times a relatively masculine boy, and so i've decided on calling myself genderfluid / a demigirl depending on where i am. on here i'm almost always a demigirl, but i have moments where i'm a bit unsure.

the thing is, i've been considering going on testosterone lately. i've been thinking about it for a long time (about 8 years now?) but because my comfort with my body is so unstable, i've been a bit nervous about it. i definitely don't need it as much as i did back when i couldn't get it anyway, but i find myself thinking pretty frequently that i wouldn't have minded if i went on it at that age and then stopped when i felt like i didn't need it anymore. i genuinely think i'd be more happy in a half-transitioned body than the one i have now as a somewhat normal girl's body.

another thing that's kept me from actually putting in the effort to go on testosterone is the hygiene issues it comes with. I'm not exactly prepared to go through puberty in that way, and a lot of the changes exclusive to afab people going through a testosterone-fueled second puberty are pretty difficult for me to consider dealing with... it's nothing scary, and i'm fully educated on what does, and what can, happen. i just don't know if that's something i'm ready to deal with, even if i'm fine with the change happening in general. it's a pretty painful process, and while i probably won't have a super hard time with stuff like acne, i'm still worried that it'll be too much for me to handle, and the general grossness of puberty might be a huge blow to my self-confidence. it's already hard enough for me to take showers more than once or twice a week, so suddenly having to take them daily, and having to wash my clothes more... it might be too much, yknow?

so i'm thinking that once i get my own place, i'll consider it again. I don't think i'll go through a full transition, but i wanna at least have my voice drop. that's the one thing that i'm already super self-conscious about, since i have a voice that's a bit too masculine for a girl, but way too high to actually pass as a guy. i hate hearing my voice high pitched, and i think having it be deeper might help me not feel so awful about it. it would help my dysphoria when i feel like a boy, and it would boost my self-confidence when i feel like a girl but can't be quite as girly as i want to be. i think having some sort of confirmation that i'm somewhat in between would help me not struggle so hard with trying to perform femininely and failing.

I don't see going on testosterone as something purely for 100% male-identifying people to do. I think my situation is just as valid, as someone who's genuinely been thinking about it for a long time, and just wants to make it easier for myself to be a mix of masculine and feminine traits... i'm a transmed's worst nightmare, but this is just how i am, and it's something i'm not exactly deciding on a whim, either, considering i've been thinking about it for almost a decade.

I think going on T just long enough that my voice changes would be enough for me, and anything else that changes during that time is a welcome side-effect! Luckily baldness isn't something i've got to worry about in my family, but if it was, it would be a nice excuse to finally shave my head like i've been considering for a few years. it would also be fun growing more body hair, since mine is dark enough that it's kinda ugly when it's so sparse... if i had full-on fur on my legs i'd probably be a lot less scared to wear shorts in summer, LOL

10.4.24 - hiking gear: This is just gonna be a bit of a ramble about gear i'm tempted to buy, so it doesn't really fit in the hiking interest page...

I've been on a bit of a hiking fixation lately since the weather's gotten a lot warmer the past few days! This made me think about hiking again, and I've started looking up gear to buy once I get some money for it. A lot of things have changed since the last time I went hiking, and considering I have literally nothing left from my old stuff, I need new stuff anyway...

SO! i'm currently looking at specifically tents, since i'd like to do more 2-4 day hikes. I used to only do day hikes as a teenager, since it was too risky camping alone as a girl in her early teens. but now i'm old enough that i can manage pretty alright on my own, and i'm a lot more aware of how to properly risk assess and stuff.

SO. TENTS.

considering i can't actually take that much weight, i've been looking at lighter gear options, and found out about ultralight backpacking! it seems kinda silly for big grown men to do, but for someone like me who's considerably petite and can't put on a lot of muscle, it's a perfect option to make sure i still have enough strength to carry food, and especially to carry WATER. that's what's always gonna be the heaviest and bulkiest in your pack, in my experience. Other than the tent of course!!

so when it comes to ultralight tents, i found a ton of people absolutely destroying the lanshan 1 pro in reviews, and it makes sense. it's light, sure, but it's also literally just a fancier plastic bag at that point, with no inner tent, and pretty dogshit quality for the price. the regular lanshan 1 though.... that's another thing entirely!!!
it's got all the stuff the pro is missing, and it's... cheaper? whaaatt!! it's got a proper inner so you won't have to worry as much about condensation, which is the main thing that icks me out about the pro, since it's extremely humid all the time here. it also doesn't even weigh that much more, and like... I'm not too concerned about an additional couple hundred grams, but considering the difference is barely a few single grams, it's not like it's worth sacrificing that in the first place...
I'm a bit stuck on wether i want the 1 or 2. The 2 has a lot more space, but it also requires both your hiking poles, and that feels a bit too risky for me, as well as being a lot finnickier to pitch... the 2 IS cuter though, i will give it that!! I think i'll just go with the 1 though, since i'm small enough that having a huge tent might just be a waste. I actually fit extremely nicely in a proper one person tent, so it's not like i need the extra space anyway, even with all my gear in there with me! merits of being short, i guess....

I've also found a guy ("Long Suffering Hiker" on youtube!) who made some really clever mods to the lanshan 1 (and 2!) that up the quality a TON without costing that much, or being that much work! So i'll definitely follow his tips to maximize the potential of my tent!!

When it comes to other gear, i'm a lot more uncertain. there's a bunch of stuff to choose from, and i also have to consider avaliablility in sweden on top of that. it costs way too much to ship stuff to sweden, so even if i CAN technically find stuff that ships here, the price isn't worth it.
that aside though, i've got a few things i'm considering currently. the main one being backpacks!

When it comes to backpacks, i first and foremost have to think about the fit, way before thinking of the size. My torso isn't THAT short, thankfully, but it is extremely small. I have to look at backpacks that fit older CHILDREN, or really small women (like me!). I've seen good reviews of osprey packs for this same issue, so hopefully i'll be able to find a store where i can test one out to see if it fits me well on top of that. thankfully they aren't all that expensive (for hiking packs), so if they DO fit me well, i'll be one happy little camper :3
I'll hope i can fit all my stuff into a relatively small pack, but i'm willing to go up to 40-ish liters if i have to. anything 40 and beyond will be way too big for me, but i'm thinking of finding a little bum bag at a thrift store or something for anything that doesn't fit in the backpack. My ideal scenario would be squeezing everything into a 30-liter, and then strapping the final few bits on the outside of it, like the cooking pot and water bottles. Considering it's pretty damn wet in... well, ALL of sweden, i don't have to worry so much abount bringing huge amounts of water, so just having two medium-sized bottles is more than enough.

ooh!! i actually just found a great article by another fellow tiny hiker!! it's specifically for the appalachian trail, but most of it is useful for pretty much anywhere else as well! She goes over the same points that I already figured out myself, so i feel super happy to have my speculation validated with the importance of packing as light as possible...
Her point about investing in snacking is SUPER important too! when you're small you don't have a lot of reserves to work with, so it's super important to keep yourself full and happy throughout any physical activity!! I notice this in my day-to-day life, realizing how much i snack throughout the day on top of my regular 3 meals. To survive an extended hiking trip (i.e. more than a week), this is even more important, which is why i'm absolutely just limiting myself to a few days at most until i can guarantee that i won't have issues with my high metabolism.
I plan on relying a lot on my favorite go-to: oatmeal! it's one of the few foods that I've found is actually able to help me gain weight, making me gain a solid pound or so per month, if i eat it roughly once a day along with other food. it's incredible finding something like that, and i suggest you figure out what makes you really pack on the pounds and keep you full as long as possible, because those are the kinds of things you're gonna wanna bring when hiking!

Specifically for food I'm thinking of bringing enough oatmeal to last me the entire hike (for me that's about 2 deciliters of oats per meal, so for breakfast and dinner for a 3 day hike, that's 12 deciliters minimum), and lots of dried fruit for added vitamins. Finally, dried meat is surprisingly great as a snack, as long as you find ones that aren't overly salted (take care of your kidneys!), and will keep you full of protein. I'm also gonna bring iron supplements, because unless i plan on eating liver every day, i'll need it... (#anemiacore!!)

Finally, shoes are another staple that i definitely need to be in a store to pick out. I have pretty particular needs sensory-wise when it comes to shoes, and it's super important for me to try shoes before buying if i plan on wearing them for extended periods, like for hiking. I will simply just have to visit a bunch of stores to try shoes, and that'll take forever. My budget is pretty small, but hopefully I'll be able to find something that works just fine under 100 euro. I'm a stickler for style, but i'll have to make do with some uglyass shoes, since the cute ones are way overpriced... sigh...

9.4.24 - unreality: Went to the therapist and she very kindly said that i should look for a more qualified therapist which is... fine i guess! who cares... guess ill do that later...

So anyway i keep seeing people tagging obvious misinformation online with "unreality tw" and "misinfo tw" like. have you ever met an actually delusional person... like trust me if someone's vulnerable enough that seeing a post saying "happy 2006!!" will trigger an episode, they're probably not gonna be on fucking tumblr dot com??? UGH people are such fucking babies its insane. and i'm saying this as someone who can be triggered by actual unreality stuff, like someone persistently trying to convince me of something that's hard to check to confirm. and it's genuinely pretty offensive that people think something as simple as a post that's an obvious joke lie is the same as a post pretending to be subliminal messaging to "wake up". those two are absolutely not the same, and you're doing more damage relating dreamcore to unreality than you are by not tagging it at all, tbh.

8.4.24 - getting back into art + identities: So i've started working on digital art again :3 yay!!
i made a persona for when i'm my boy self, and i really got obsessed with that design for some reason... at first i made a 3D model of it, but then i started drawing it too. I'm currently working on a semi-realistic portrait of it just because i had a brain blast with a super hot self-indulgent idea i wanted to draw... i struggled with the jaw for the past like 2 hours so now i'm taking a break to update here!!

speaking of boy me, i've had some thoughts lately about my identity stuff again... i dont really talk much about it in therapy because it still makes me extremely uncomfortable to actually take it seriously, but i've done some introspection and i've come up with a few ideas from what i notice in my day-to-day life.

i guess the biggest thing is that i'm not actually sure if i had as many distinct identities as i previously thought... i used to think i had around 5, but i'm pretty sure its more like 3, and then 2 that may or may not be distinct after all? like, when i paid too much attention to my altered states i felt like they were distinct enough, but now that i stopped keeping track i don't actually think one of them in particular was real, and the final one is like... idk!!
the problem is that i'm good at avoiding triggers for dissociation, so its rare that i'm forced into one altered state, and most of the time it's just kinda mushy and hard to tell, like today. i'm both my boy self and my super girly self, and it kinda wobbles back and forth which feels awful but makes it easier to live as either one. basically it's like... better for getting on with life, but feels really disorienting and uneasy, like i can't make my mind up about anything?

ANYWAY!! to get back on track, i've only really "been" 3 distict alters (i hate using that word...) for the past like.. two months? and while i know alters can go dormant, it feels different? like, if you're also someone prone to delusion, you probably know what i mean when i say it just feels... normal again? like i know theres probably a good reason why i thought there were more parts of me, but now that i havent been them for a while, i don't actually feel like something's missing. maybe that's just another part of the dissociation at work, but like... if i think about the other 2 definite ones, it feels different compared to if i think of the 2 uncertain ones, y'know?

ʚ♡ɞ

ooh also!! I recently made a tumblr again!! my main blog is pretty much just for reblogging cute pics so far, but i made a nsfw sideblog (i won't go into detail here, dw), and it's honestly helping me thrive in a weird way?
i'm open about being a boy sometimes on there, and i've honestly been using the sideblog more as a boy than i have when i'm my regular self, which is kinda funny... i have a seperate website for when i'm my boy self, since i tend to feel deeply uncomfortable using any social pages i use as other alters when i'm a boy. i guess it's kinda weird, but idk, it just feels weird pretending to be someone i'm not when i'm "shion", y'know?
so anyway, because shion has his own site, it's very much like... HIM, y'know? and despite it by all means being personal, he has a hard time being open with himself on there. he's definitely working on being more relaxed on there, but he's still too nervous to openly talk about nsfw stuff other than like... just vaguely talking about things related to it.
and thats where my nsfw sideblog comes in!! it's an environment that I made as my openly cringe self, where i genuinely don't care about appearing gross and perverted and weird, and that's like. a perfect atmosphere for me to thrive both as my regular self, and as shion!! and while i can gush about gross stuff here on my nsfw pages, shion never really had an outlet before, and can now go crazy on that blog, which means while i don't particularly have a need for it, he definitely does. and that's how we get shion being way more active on there than me, despite it at first being mostly meant for me to use.

I find it really nice, in a way! when i'm shion i have such a hard time actually being honest with myself, and ESPECIALLY when it comes to stuff that's embarrassing. i have pretty bad social anxiety as my regular self, but shion has it tenfold, if not more. being able to be open with myself and my wants and needs and desires as shion is a huge step in overcoming my social anxiety as a whole, and i'm so proud of myself and of shion (i know he's me but like. he deserves his own praise tbh) for finding a weird roundabout way to make this progress, no matter how small!!

I've also dedicated my pinterest to just being about alterhuman stuff and vaguely pertaining to my blog's whole... aesthetic? and made a seperate board for shion just for fun. i've been using it a lot more without getting pissed off all the time because of it!
so, as a whole it's been surprisingly positive of an experience making that nsfw blog, considering normally that stuff isn't exactly good for you to get too invested in when you're mentally unstable. (i'm still taking lots of precaution in not getting too invested in it, and honestly i'm mostly just having fun playing around with the aesthetic and stuff i make because of it, not the actual content itself! i'm actually surprisingly healthy about stuff like this, probably because it's more of a general interest in the idea than an actual like. obsession with the nsfw part of it? idk.

4.4.24 - *sits politely*: So the meeting went well... mhmmm... *does that forced scrunchy smile rich white moms do*
We got a plan put together that'll hopefully lead to me getting permanent employment within the next few years... yeaaahhh its good righhtttt??? mhmmmmmm....

basically they told me theyre signing me up for the usual shit aka i get some help trying out for a job that might fit my needs, and after working with them for a year i'm sent off to get a real big girl job... which is... *cringes* greattt..!!!!
they have a variety of jobs that you try out for a while before settling on something that works, and its mostly stuff like uhh... cleaning... assistant for stuff... etc... i just hope ill get something calm and repetitive so i dont have to think much...

ideally i wanna work in a nice little shop or something... like a bakery or small cafe? something where the customers are mostly little old people... it would be nice i think!

3.4.24 - AAUUGH: hii hiii sorry ive been busy doing fuck-all so i havent updated my site at all (or written here...) uhmmm...
AAAH im so anxious i'm gonna THROW UPPPPPPPP
i have a VIDEO CALL MEETING with the people at the stupid awful employment place and im panicking so hard i cant DO THIS ANYMOOOOARRRR...!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

like.. im so fucking awful at video calls i hate them i hate them i hate them AAAH
i dont understand why people insist on doing them when it serves no purpose other than making everything so much more complicated and shitty and I DONT WANNA!!!!
i dont even have a good webcam so im either gonna have to use my crusty 2010 webcam or my phone and either fucking SUCKS GGHHHRRRRAAAAHH!!! KILL MEEE!!!! *hyperventilates profusely*

I DONT EVEN HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES TO WEAR I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF NOWW!!!!!!! I CANT DO IT!!! AND THEY SENT THE NOTICE OVER SNAILMAIL SO I ONLY GOT IT LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE AAAUUUGH!!!!!! *keels over. dies*

29.3.24 - my mom: Visiting my mom for the first time in over a year today... i'm staying overnight and it's got me super nervous.
i love my mom a lot, but we aren't compatible at all, so when i stay with her for an extended time it makes both of us feel terrible... my moms always been kinda unstable, and with me being super sensitive to other people's emotions and reactions to what i do, it wears me down a lot. i only remember a few moments of living with her, despite having lived with her up until i was 16. the stuff i do remember isn't good either, so i can only imagine how bad it was in the memories my brain has tucked away for my safety...

I love my mom, i really do, but the more time i spend apart from her the better i get mentally, and that probably says a lot.

21.3.24 - chronically online system stuff: HI! welcome back to what's been like... daily updates for some reason?? idk. today i perused r/systemscringe once more (love u systemscringe) and someone mentioned in-sys relationships n that really got my brain churning cuz i actually DO have a lot of opinions on that topic!!!

fair warning that this is completely bizarre sounding if you don't know anything about DID or related disorders, and even if you do, you'll probably still think it's like... terminally online unless you've been a victim of so much as seeing what the online community does every day. lord its hell out there.

ANYWAY! this will be vaguely co-authored by shion (my boy self, to make it simple), since we're kinda smushed together into one gross consciousness goop after my absolutely TERRIBLE therapy sesh yesterday! hes a lot more passionate about this stuff and a lot better at actually like. expressing his feelings about stuff than i am lolz...

SO. for those who are completely unaware of the rollercoaster that is in-system relationships, here's a quick run-down:

In-system relationships are pretty much any dynamic between alters in a DID (or OSDD-1 / P-DID) system. They can be platonic, familial, romantic, or pretty much any kind of dynamic ever, of course this includes negative ones as well!
I feel like in most systems pretty far along their healing journey like I (we?) am, there's bound to be some vague ones that have made themselves known over time as dissociative barriers are lower and communication has gotten easier.
A good example from my system is the one between my two hosts, shion and uh.. sprout. (sorry i couldn't come up with anything better...)
They've been around eachother the longest, and have the least bothersome dissociative barriers because of it! they have a pretty typical "roommate" type dynamic, where they just coexist 90% of the time, with a vaguely positive opinion of eachother. They're different enough that they don't act "as one", but instead they've learned to cooperate!
this is a good dynamic, and probably the ideal one to aim for.

Where the community rears it's ugly little head is when people start delving into romantic in-sys relationships without any proper healing progress or natural developments... in general i think romantic/queerplatonic ones are fine if that's just how it naturally develops once dissociative barriers get more tolerable, but actively pursuing them can totally screw everything over!!!

If you delve into anything serious too fast, you risk worsening your symptoms by separating yourself too much from your alters in order to personify them better. you're also risking it by just like... caring too much? your alters will never be seperate people, even if they feel like it sometimes. treating them like that will only worsen your dissociative barriers and can actively impede your healing progress!!!
the way a LOT of people treat in-sys relationships (mainly romantic ones) online is also super unrealistic? like, no matter how hard I try, my alters never feel real enough, and that's NORMAL. they feel like weird imaginary friends that I cant control, or like i'm being possessed or something??
that's why i tend to just ignore the fact that i have them in general, because i just dont see the point in separating myself from them, especially since i dont even get that much of a dopamine kick from trying to communicate with them in the first place???
seeing people get way too serious about how they see their alters just makes me suspicious of them, tbh... like sure i can consider myself pretty close to sprout since we're similar and share a lot of interests, but it's not like i would treat him like any of my other friends?? and if i ended up dating an alter in-sys, i wouldn't care if i started dating someone irl too, since it's inherently not the same thing, and monogamy absolutely doesnt apply when one of ur partners is literally just you in a different font, i think that's where people get way too serious about it!!!

Getting too invested in your system is not great for healing in general, and that's where the DID community is such a horrible environment for people who don't know any better. being able to recognize your different alters is good as a tool to deal with individual trauma symptoms, and lowering dissociative barriers between all of the parts, but going on to separate yourself from them is not.
it can be a temporary solution in extreme cases, like when integrating that specific alter is still risky and can trigger unwanted or uncontrollable symptoms, but if you're a relatively healthy system, there's no reason to keep separating yourself from your alters. The only thing really keeping people from properly integrating and furthering their healing, is because they're too attached to the idea of their alters as seperate entities, not realizing that all the traits they love about their alters are supposed to be their own.

I guess that's where the "in-sys dating is just self-love" argument comes from, but it's been used to justify separation way too many times. You wouldn't need in-sys dating if you just properly started recognizing the lovable parts of your alter as your own? y'know?

20.3.24 - anxiety: if u also have crippling anxiety, do u also get this feeling when a deadline to do something approaches where all ur thoughts just boil down to "i have to kill myself instead" ?? like i have depression, but i feel like 99% of my suicidal thoughts come from my anxiety instead... i dont wanna kill myself cuz im depressed, i wanna do it so i can avoid whatever responsibilities i have that my anxiety is preventing me from doing. it's like. shame based suicidal thoughts, yknow??

either way i have my appointment 2day. still havent called to confirm location. at least i considered it? i feel so guilty. i havent even confirmed with my dad that i need to go to the appointment today cuz ive been too bothered by the fact idk where it is. i have to kill myself (/j)

the only thing motivating me is that i can buy candy once its over, cuz i do that every time there's something stressful i have to do... i'm trying to pull a pavlov thing where i reward myself with treats every time i do something i dont want to so that ill slowly associate it with something good (the treat) instead of thinking about the bad parts about it. it's the only way to get my anxiety under control somewhat, but even then it has its limits (like making phone calls, or sending emails)...... idk what to do.... now i have hiccups from anxiety too UGHH *hiccup*

anyway... i was gonna shower today too to wash the grease out of my hair but like. the anxiety is making me procrastinate everything i wanna do to the point i cant even do something as simple as shower. im so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!

19.3.24 - modded games + more: can i just say something...?
i hate when people claim to "love" a game but then get annoyed when you wanna play it with them unmodded, like.... then you obviously don't love the game, you love the mods you use for it???
like i see this a lot with minecraft, people will claim that minecraft is their favorite game but then refuse to play it without shit that fundamentally changes EVERYTHING about the game. like bro you obviously dont like minecraft then lmao... like if you refuse to play with me unless i dowload like 30 different mods that completely change how the game works and looks, i'm not gonna want to play with you... how hard is that to understand??

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Feeling very bleh in general... the drowsiness from my new meds isnt THAT bad, but it's enough that I feel unable to do like... basic things?? idk... it's at its worst during midday, which means right now i'm super drowsy and lowkey kinda pissy because of it... i'm very irritable when im sleepy so it's not great... hrrngg...

at least I finished my first version of the 3d model i was working on! made a simple pajama outfit to be the first one, but my plan is to make a bunch of cute outfits for it eventually!! i deliberately made it pretty similar to a minecraft type body, so i can use my pre-existing skills in minecraft skins to make outfits...!!! i still havent done any animations for it since i honestly kinda wanna port it to blender or something so i can rig it properly... i kinda hate using the blockbench animation thing cuz it isnt very versitile.... grr...
there's a lot of room for improvement, but so far i'm happy with how it looks and works!!

I just got a reminder for the psych appointment i have 2morrow... ugh... idek if its at the local clinic or the one in the next town over, so i should probably call and ask, but i'm too anxious to. it sucks. i might just ask my dad if we can be out in good time so i can pop into the local one and ask if my psychologist is there or not, but its scary to think about. hrrngg...

17.3.24 - life stuff: hi hi hi!!! i'm starting my new antidepressants/anxiety medication today... theyre putting me on mi..something-pine! its not an active dose right away so ill have to put up with excessive sleepiness for like a week before i can up it to a dose that actually does something... i'm excited as much as im scared... i dont like being on meds since its hard for me to keep consistant in taking them...
my days tend to blur together into one big mush since i struggle quite a bit with dissociating my days away @_@... hoepfully ill find one of those weekly medication thingies to keep track, but i only notice i missed a dose the next day... hrrngnggg.....

I've been working on a 3d model lately n im having so much fun fun fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's a model i made of myself to practice working in a new program (or in 3d in general)... my goal is to make a basic "nude" model that i can sculpt clothes on later!! im struggling SO hard with making the uv mapping look good though, and i legit got so mad at it earlier that i rage quit...
I'm giving it another go now but we'll see how well it goes...

15.3.24 - OCs: hrrnggg got perscribed antidepressants yesterday... grrrhrhhrhgghgg... they also made me take tests for my other stuff but like. ive been rly bad at taking my meds and its gonna be obvious and im so stupid i hate myself!!! im so scared n nervous n i feel awfuuulllll.... ugghh...

anyway... i came here 2 talk about some oc stuff ig...

i have these 2 ocs that have a rly ambiguous relationship n its hard knowing where i wanna go with it... they're two boys in their late teens who are p much the last people on earth after everybody else just like. vanished p much?
i dont have an actual written story for them but i'm always rotating them in my mind!! the thing is that idk what i want their relationship 2 be. they're best friends first of all, but it just feels kinda natural to give them something more along the queerplatonic line??

like umm... i dont think they'd be doing anything overtly romantic or intimate, but its pretty obvious that they love eachother more than anything else. like it's probably because of them spending every waking moment together out of fear that theyll be alone again, but it feels so natural to put them in scenes where theyre cuddled up in front of a fireplace in winter, or one of them gingerly braiding the others hair on a warm summer day, admiring the freckles and long eyelashes of his friend... stuff like that. like... maybe theyd tell the other how much they love them and its not meant to have any romantic connotations but it wouldn't be unnatural if there were, and they have a quiet mutual understanding of that?? stuff like that!!!

like i never intended them to explicity be romantically involved, but you get what i mean by it being hard to define!! it's hard to say too because like, they're supposed to be relatively normal boys for being at an age between 16-19ish, and while theyre definitely old enough to understand the world and themselves to a certain degree, there's still that underlying desire to fit in and not break away from the norm, and that feeling we all had at that age of everything being so much more important than it really was, plus just in general still being very much immature.
a big part of the "story" is them slowly coming to terms with the fact that there's nothing holding them back from being true to themselves anymore other than their own fears, and the ambiguity of their relationship with eachother is a key part in that!!! i'm sure as they get older they'd be more sure about their feelings and their relationship will finally be defined as something more concise, but until then i'm just as frustrated as anybody else trying to figure that out!!!!

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I'm also struggling to make stuff for them, atually... I'm not very good at writing and that kinda shows when i attempted (badly) to write about them a few months ago... it's frustrating knowing that i have the capability of putting them in believable scenarios, i just can't write those together well... maybe i'll make a page on this site for writing drabbles for them?? idk... i'm currently working on a short visual novel for them, but making the art is proving to be tough considering my burnout -_-...
i had a lot of fun writing the dialogue though, so maybe i'll just do stuff like that?? idk. it's pretty easy for me to get into character for both of them since i think about them so much that they practically real to me atp LOL

12.3.24 - dissociative identites: So if you perused my "about" youll probably be like. "oh this bitch is fucked up n mental" and youd be correct!!! but i'm talking specifically about the dissociative disorder i vaguely mention in there :3

my disorder isn't rly something i like talking about in general, but i'm somewhat ok talking about the parts of my identity that kinda act on their own. luckily i dont have memory issues because of this, so i can mostly ignore it, but what it DOES fuck with is my gender identity n sense of like.. "self", y'know?? its a common issue with barely noticable dissociative identities it seems.

the only one i rly notice is my masculine part. i will refer to him as he/him and as a seperate entity for simplicity's sake... i have the bad habit to personify him too, but i mean we're 2 parts of the main 3, so it's not like us treating eachother like seperates is too bad, since we gain nothing really substantial from integrating more... HOWEVER!! he is just... part of me in the end, so it doesnt matter if u refer to "us" as just one person. i, "we", are just one person in the end after all, just diff sides of the same himeneko u know and luve!! also deliberately separating me from my other parts is actively harmful in the long run, so its better for everybody involved if u just think of it as nao and nao in "boy mode" LOL
that disclaimer aside, lets talk about him!! lets talk about... ME!!!

My masc part has his own name he prefers (to be fair, they all do, but he's especially pissy about it), and he's probably the only part that's super desperate about being his own person, even if he knows that can affect the healing process. i get it but like... i also don't?? idk. i'm just me, but i know that apparently i'm the only part that thinks like this, which is..... weird!! LOL.. i care so little about this disorder that i accidentally do the most work that contributes to "our" healing.... by just.... being overly accepting ig LMAO

i keep getting sidetracked aahh!!! ok so anyway, my masc part probs has the most distinct identity because of like... idk he's been around for a very long time, and even if i've been around longer, he's been out more in general, so yeahs... he's actually kinda co-piloting my brain rn as we speak (as i type...? that phrase doesnt rly work here huh...) so if i seem a little off thats probably why.
ANYWAY, we've been forced 2 deal with eachother for abouttttt..... 8 or 9 years now? and becus we're extremely different we kinda clash. horribly. it led to a bunch of identity problems while i was in my teens, and a lot of struggle trying to figure out what gender i am, cuz it would go back n forth between undeniably masculine to insanely feminine, seemingly at random. for a while it was tied to me being online vs offline, because he's the one kinda made to deal with irl stress, vs me who's mostly just here to be cute n social n fun. i kinda keel over whenever i get stressed or i feel judged..... teehee.....

when my masc part (idk if i should say his preferred name here?? he gives me a pseodonym on his own blog so its probs best if i don't say his... idkkk.... he gave us cute celestial pseodonyms btw. so cute. very cute of him. i think i'll just use an old pseudonym i had for him), shion, is the one in control, it's like night and day compared to when its just me, but if we're a little blurred 2gether, we make a pretty dope person imo. i know he agrees because he literally talked abt it yesterday on his blog. he loves me i swear ♡♡♡♡
it's rly weird, cuz when i'm him, i still feel like i'm "me", but the "me" that runs himeneko is suddenly SO foreign to me, and i cant like... relate to myself anymore at all?? even something as small as our aesthetics are COMPLETELY different, so i suddenly think my site is UGLY??? TTT_TTT
It doesn't help that since he's the one in control irl more than me, 90% of my wardrobe is mens clothing. born to be a kawaii icon, forced to be a tomboy...

it's interesting to me somewhat, cuz i've always found gender very interesting as a topic!! i thought i was genderfluid bc of us being so different, and i only rly realized that was wrong when my "boy mode" started. erm. talking 2 me. yikes!!!
after shion started talking, he was a pretty huge dickhead tbh. he mostly hurled insults and tried to get me to kill myself bc he wanted to die. he hated not being real, he hated not having his own body, and he took it out on the rest of me.
it took a little bit for him to figure out that he could take over my body, but when he did he calmed down a bit. especially when he realized he could identify as transmasc (even though he doesn't personally id with that, he uses that excuse irl), and found ways to affirm his gender, even if that didn't actually solve the main problem. he was still mean, but at the same time i had grown stronger to deal with it, and it didnt affect me as much as it did when he first started. if you're familiar with DID terms, he was a pretty typical persecutor.

when my depression got bad for real, and my dissociation n burnout started blurring my grip on reality, i found solace in shion. we had good communication, and he rarely left considering he was needed at all times to deal with real life for me. because he was so mean, i had no problems venting my pent up anger and stress at him, and despite mostly treating him like an imaginary friend who was just impossible to control, we had a decent symbiosis after that.
i even remember giving him cat ears at some point... he had those for a while... nothing is as powerful as a teenage girl's determination!!!!!! he shouldve kept them. kinda hate that he realized he was just as real as me when our dissociative barriers softened.... tch... there goes my free tsundere catboy content....

These days i'm honestly more persucatory than shion is, which is kinda crazy 2 think about!! i kept a lot of the traits from my younger self, so despite being an adult, i'm pretty prone to falling into bad habits in order to get a quick dopamine kick. i also tend to not value ANYTHING but that sweet sweet dopamine, so anything boring is ignored until horrible consequences hit me...
shion, on the other hand, now has to control ME, and keep ME in check!!! ugh!!! i hate how he makes me feel awful whenever i do something i thought was a good idea... n he can even somewhat steer me away from stuff despite me rly rly wanting to do it, which is BORING!!!!!!! stop being a responsible adult for once and let me HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!
at least now that ive been co-piloting with him for a while (the past month) he's letting loose a little too, which is SO FUN TO SEE!!! i know we're the same person technically but like. idk. i think hes cute. despite him being boring af and clearly hating me with his entire being, i cant help but find that fun. i like bullying him becus it technically doesnt hurt anybody other than myself, but because of dissociation i cant even feel it!!! it makes me giddy!!

ANYWAYYYYY i came here 2 talk about gender but i guess i got sidetracked n now i dont care.. oops.... bye for nowsies!!!

5.3.24 - music + interests: I've been having a fun time sharing tunes with a friend lately!! i really love music so much and im happy to find someone who likes similar stuff!!!!! one of the few ways i feel comfortable talking to ppl privately is sharing stuff i like with them, and looking at the stuff they send in return... obviously there needs to be some compatibility with our interests so it feels worth it, but when its similar enough but slightly different so we're always discovering new stuff thru eachother?? ITS SO FUN!!!

I think that's why i'm so excited to get my interests page going so i can properly share a bunch of stuff with whoever sees it!!! aah im so excited...!!!

I just need to figure out what i wanna talk about first.... i'm tempted to make it about hiking, but i cant really say what trails i've hiked cuz theyre all too local for me to feel safe talking about them... i feel like 90% of talking about hiking or camping is talking about all the cool places you've been to -_-... i guess i could describe them, but then you wouldn't be able to look up pretty pictures :(

I also wanna talk about my favorite romance manga (and the few animes i like), since i dont really have any friends rn who like the same onessss.... i think it would be fun to have a page to gush about anime boys ehehe.... ahhh i def need a page to gush about my fictional crushes tbh!!! i dont have that many but hnngggggg!!!!! HRRNGGG!!!! sorry i went a little coocoo thinking about them. i'm a little silly about my weird crushes on things that arent even real people.

4.3.24 - pinterest + brain issues: hiiii im back to complaiinnn!!! so i've gotten somewhat into pinterest lately, which literally just means i made an account and i use it like. once a week tops? only to look at outfit, hair, and makeup inspo since 90% of art on there is STOLEEENNNNN!!!
so anyway. i'm so fucking sick n tired (when am i not lmao) of all the weight loss content flooding my feed??? pinterest is a fucking nightmare for people recovering from ED's holy shit i never knew it was this bad?? no wonder pinterest girlies are relapsing constantly when there's literally no way to block certain content from clogging ur feed!!! UGH!!!

I honestly havent used pinterest in a few weeks now because of this. its not even that i'm sensitive to weight loss content, but i just fucking hate the fact that it exists in general... plus, all of it is extremely false??? like no you can't just magically disappear all the fat in your calves and completely change the shape of your legs with "one simple workout". that's not even the same person in the before & after pics, even after all the bullshit editing!!! UGGHHH!!!

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I'm back for secondsss!! had some pizza and i'm currently watching nope again!! it's so fun rewatching it knowing why everything is happening...!
ANYWAY! i wanted to rant a little about something that's been lowkey worrying me for a looong time...

i've always been a pretty frail person, and especially mentally. i already have issues with dissociation and identity issues from going thru some depressing-ass shit as a kid (never getting into that can of worms on the public internet lol), autism, anxiety stuff, and seizures.
the thing thats concerning me is the seizures, because ever since i started having them, ive started having memory issues and migraines too, along with nerve issues and a general... wobbliness. I know i shouldn't be overthinking it, but at what point do I go "oh yeah, i should probably see a doctor about this!" y'know? I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but i'm not the kinda person to go to a doctor for something i'm unsure of (which is kinda biting me in the ass right now ngl)... I was checked out once when i had dissociative amnesia so bad i forgot who i was, and ended up in the emergency room. The doctor said it was just stress after my blood test came back normal, but they never ended up doing a brain scan. I've always kinda known that they missed something, but i've been too scared to bring it up ever again. I'm scared they'll say "it's just stress" again, and send me home without any answers, feeling humiliated.

I think it's time though. My cognitive functions have gotten noticably worse these past few years. I thought it was stress and burnout at first, but when it only got worse I obviously couldn't help growing concerned!! I hope it's nothing serious, and I hope it's just a side effect of me going off my meds for a year back in college, but I know deep down that this started way back in highschool.
I can feel my brain degrading and my stupid fucking anxiety is keeping me from just booking an appointment to get checked out for brain cancer.

3.3.24 - sick + DID misinformation: SIIIGH... okay i'm so tired rn... i've been sick the past few days, and i have no real idea why!! i'm guessing 90% of it is from stress, and the rest is probably from me not taking my meds properlyyyy........ hnngggg.... ive had like zero appetite, been drenched in sweat when i wake up every night (i feel so gross all the time!!) and a migraine that's coming and going... i'm so miserable...

Speaking of absolutely nothing, i'm so sick and tired of people claiming to be systems these days auugghhh... like ffs get diagnosed or dont say SHIT about it!! it's so hard to distinguish delusion, maladaptive daydreaming, or hallucinations from genuinely being a system, and seeing ppl self-diagnose makes me so fucking pissed off!!!
when a disorder is hard for even professionals to diagnose, there's no way you can accurately do it urself??? like fuck off. you're tainting all online spaces for people genuinely struggling with dissociative disorders with all ur made-up bullshit!!! omfg!!
it doesnt help that 90% of the shit ppl claim online about systems these days is based on their own subjective experiences with zero actual research, and IT SHOWS.... i swear to god the only place with actual good info on systems these days is a fucking cringe subreddit and that in itself is so fucking sad. the info on P-DID (OSDD-1) is probably the worst, cuz so many people claim to have that without actually getting properly assessed, and it means people are spreading real interesting misinformation about it... like... hold on.

Misinformation I consistently see about systems:

1. "system is a term for anybody with more than one 'personality' (identity state)." WROOONGGG!!!! system is legit only the medical term for people with the dissociative disorders that dissociative identities occur in, AKA DID and P-DID (also known as OSDD-1 in the DSM5).
   terms like "sysmed" is straight up paradoxical because you literally can't be a system without it being medical, because it's the medical fucking term for a group of alters???
2. "your alters go to headspace when they're not fronting." WRONG!!! if your alters aren't actively fronting/co-con, theyre just not there. being a system is legit just having ONE "self" that's divided through dissociative barriers. just because i feel like someone else sometimes doesn't mean that guy is actually another person. it's like how you're the same person as your "drunk self", you don't just both exist as separate entities in ur brain. its all you babes!!
   also, headspace in general is just... not a real place. it's just any space you visualize (headspace is a word stemming from therapy uses, but it's just as fake as any other imaginary space), and anything that happens in there is just... not real? it's imaginary. it's as real as any other daydream.
3. "polyfrag p-did/osdd"... like no... when talking about dissociative disorders, p-did is on one end, while polyfragmentation is on the COMPLETE OTHER SIDE!!! it's like saying you have a barely noticable debilitating headache, it just DOESNT MAKE SENSE!!! ITS CONTRADICTORY!!!
4. "plurality presents similarly to DID"......... god where do i even start??? everything about systems is so inherent to being severely traumatized as a child, that every single symptom you experience along with having alters is SHAPED BY BEING TRAUMA RESPONSES.... a person claiming to be plural or multiple without it being trauma-based cannot POSSIBLY have the same symptoms as someone with DID, it's just not possible.
   i'm so certain everybody claiming to be an endogenic system is just experiencing placebo symptoms, because it makes zero sense to have anything like this without trauma or severe dissociation in general. UGH!!!
   I'm not even anti-plurality by other means than DID, i just immediately think it's fishy when they claim to have shit like protectors or persecutors or caregivers n shit, when that's inherent to childhood trauma. god....

sorry i get real fucking pissed about this stuff auugghhh.... i'll probably rant about it more in the future but i'm all tuckered out now.... if you want actual good info debunking myths about this shit, genuinely go check out r/systemscringe, despite what it seems like, it's genuinely a good place to find proper sources for further reading, and a bunch of misinformation being debunked... it's probably the only space dedicated to the topic that ACTUALLY CARES about using credible sources and cracking down on misinformation.
when i first found out i had a dissociative disorder i kinda slipped down the wrong path and thought it was horrible, but then i realized the people on tumblr dont actually know shit about anything LOL...

i'm not saying what my username is on there but sometimes i comment on there when im feeling like myself, and u can probs figure out who i am in those moments from my writing style.... most the time i'm not myself on there though cuz in general i fucking haaaate subjecting myself to losing hope in humanity on the reg like my other self apparently loves to do LOL